When your 9 year old calls B.S. on you, challenging your Spiritual beliefs.


 

 

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As we sat around the table, eating dinner last night Jax asked me, ” What’s the deal with all this GOD STUFF?! Your, like SUPER religious now!”His smooth, soft, pre-man hands hovered over his head as he spoke. They drew the shape of a half dome in the air around us. Like the image of Jesus you see on all the traditional Hallmark Christmas cards.
Stunned into silence, I poured my attention all over him. Exploring his face, the little mouth that declared I am now “religious.” Why did hearing him say that bother me?
 “I haven’t dragged you to church or sat you down to read the Bible or anything! Do you mean Spiritual? I have always been this way…Spiritual, I mean.”
My words fell into the veggie lasagna, short of making it into his ears and into his heart. They bounced off the force-shield he had around him. Jax had anticipated my explanation taking its usual esoteric turn about humanity. About the Rising consciousness bursting forth, and our place in it. How we must do more than embrace the Rising, but push it forward as well.

“You ALWAYS talk about God blessings, Grace, and practicing Gratitude. None of that helps. None of that matters in making my life better.” Jax, age 9

“You ALWAYS talk about God blessings, Grace, and practicing Gratitude. None of that helps. None of that matters in making my life better.” Jax’s eyebrow raised, declaring authority over the matter at hand.
“The goal isn’t to take time out to pray. It is to BE in a constant state of prayer; To BE…connected to God-source. Always.” My words felt void of power, fluttering around the table like petals of a dying flower.
“That is IMPOSSIBLE when God never shows up to help me.” Jax replied as if it were the end of the conversation.
Mike dropped his head and became over interested in the green beans on his dinner plate. “Here it comes…” said the thought bubble over his head. Luke, Ziva and I looked at each other, wide-eyed. It was as if a founding member of your club cast his members jacket at your feet. WTF?! My mind was humming- teachable moment- teachable moment. How can I get him to remember another time when he didn’t feel like this?! What should I say or do next?? I had nothing! I went to a place of bruised ego. Defeated, I told him I could leave him out of our discussions about God, the Universe and our choices made within it. I would be mindful not to include him in our spiritual rituals. No more Morning Intention God Blessings. I could even leave him out of the 3 G’s before bed (Gratitude, Evening God Blessings and Goodnight protection prayer).
….not my best moment in reflecting compassion, whoops.

“What if God has been with you the whole time? Helping you live a better life? …Because She is always there, you don’t know what it is like to be without her.”

Luke broke the silence and asked Jax, “What if God has been with you the whole time? Helping you live a better life? …Because She is always there, you don’t know what it is like to be without her. Maybe, you should practice NOT connecting with God for a week and see what happens. Maybe, you life will get SUPER Crappy!” He revealed with the excitement of a Mad Scientist.
Whoa. They do listen. They do remember. They know how to find their own way. My lesson, Again: Lips together. It is not about me and having all the answers. Sometimes, it’s about leaning back and not leaning in so hard.
I have been “doubling down” since January. Fulfilling this need to Push out and not letting the tide Pull me back in. All ocean waves must leave the land and return to the sea. I am remembering too.
My friend and Acutonics teacher says, “Life is a Dance!” Sometimes that Dance takes you to a place of forgeting …and rediscovering ourselves in a whole new way.
May you open your heart and hear the music. Release your toes so they may tap to the beat of the Universe that always has your back. Even if you have decided that you’ve been doing this entire journey alone. Maybe you will find your own Luke, to remind you that those are not your foot prints. That you have been carried the whole time.
Laugh hard. Love strong. Live to serve.
Best!
Kimberly
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My “monkey mind” gets a beat down… and other self discoveries.


“Go out and TRY, you never know who you may inspire along the way.” – Nick Vujicic

IMG_1667Since yesterday, I have been pacing, a tiger trapped in a self-imposed cage… I see the mental doorway of where I am to go next and have been lingering back. Letting my “monkey mind” get the best of me, filling my daring brain with mindless chatter based on fear and failure. This is what can happen when I spend too much time on my computer trying to do too many things at once.

Maybe it’s reflecting on the lost of Prince; another musical Messiah, like Bowie, that makes me more aware that my life is shifting. Am I celebrating my time on Earth like they encouraged and demanded? …Kids are getting older, years wisp by in fractions of a second. The house is physically changing and the breaking of its bones send invisible shrapnel whizzing through the air.

I have fought for this shift. The home remodel, working from home to be present for the kids and my husband. Now, as these endeavors evolve, I am ready to un-peel another layer, to discover what new weirdness lay waiting to be unearthed within.

How do I define myself? Mother. Wife. Friend. Mentor. Philanthropist. Marketer, Communicator. Innovator. Messenger. Micro-disrupter. Harmonizer. Healer. Dreamer. Procrastinator. Not-the-best-housekeeper. ….I have erased the word, Writer, at least l0 times from this list. Why?

It isn’t as if I am at a loss of things to say. Is it because I fear that what I have to write isn’t interesting  enough for you? Or is it by sharing this moment you would see me a weaker, weirder version, than I have shown you before?

As I awoke today, set my intentions of how I plan to show up for the world and serve, I still felt a bit fake. Instead of jumping “all in” and putting my spirit behind my words, I mentally kept one toe out of the water, going through the motions instead of fully surrendering.

So, the angst continued to plague me. It was relentless. Self doubt grew inside like a balloon. Instead of continuing to run, from whatever nonsense was building up inside me, I decided to turn around and embrace it. Part of me thought I was literally going to explode, leaving tattered remnants of myself all over the kitchen floor.

I crept into the office, sat in front of the computer and thought, “just write.” Get whatever is festering OUT.

Write about ANYTHING. Write about the tools you have discovered that help you show up as a better human being in this world (…Yeah, those same tools that you are not using right now, which is why you feel so disconnected).

Write about how you have been changing inside because you have been trusting yourself more and so desperately want others to discover how empowering that is. Write about how you want to help everyone but sometimes loose perspective and get overwhelmed with the HOW.

Staring at a blank screen, I decided to do some research, ie. stall. Bam! I stumble upon this video of Nick Vujicic; A man who encourages each of us to get out of our heads and live. To try. To fail… I know all of this. I spend my time teaching this.

Today, I needed to hear it again. I needed to hear it in his words; through his story. Nick was born without arms and legs. He struck me as encouraging and compassionate. He reminded me of where I needed to be. Present. Here in the now.

So, I write. With each word, I attempt open the door of possibilities. I allow the world to see me, in this moment. Open and exposed; willing to show each of you my vulnerability. Unsure but trusting myself to make the right choices when they present themselves.

I chose not to file this journal entry away, but to share it with you. Because, maybe today, you need to hear that you are BEAUTIFUL.  You need to know that your self doubt doesn’t define you IF you don’t let it stop you from doing whatever it is you are meant to do. That I will love you through your weak moments and weirdness- even if you don’t love or understand mine. That the LEARNING is in the frustration and failure. Feeling humble. Feeling human. Acknowledging that self-doubt lives within us all and what sets us apart is what we do next.

May you go out into the world and try something new today.

Laugh hard. Love strong. Live to serve.

Best!

Kimberly Crawford

http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20150318-leading-without-limbs?ocid=ww.social.link.email