“Go out and TRY, you never know who you may inspire along the way.” – Nick Vujicic
Since yesterday, I have been pacing, a tiger trapped in a self-imposed cage… I see the mental doorway of where I am to go next and have been lingering back. Letting my “monkey mind” get the best of me, filling my daring brain with mindless chatter based on fear and failure. This is what can happen when I spend too much time on my computer trying to do too many things at once.
Maybe it’s reflecting on the lost of Prince; another musical Messiah, like Bowie, that makes me more aware that my life is shifting. Am I celebrating my time on Earth like they encouraged and demanded? …Kids are getting older, years wisp by in fractions of a second. The house is physically changing and the breaking of its bones send invisible shrapnel whizzing through the air.
I have fought for this shift. The home remodel, working from home to be present for the kids and my husband. Now, as these endeavors evolve, I am ready to un-peel another layer, to discover what new weirdness lay waiting to be unearthed within.
How do I define myself? Mother. Wife. Friend. Mentor. Philanthropist. Marketer, Communicator. Innovator. Messenger. Micro-disrupter. Harmonizer. Healer. Dreamer. Procrastinator. Not-the-best-housekeeper. ….I have erased the word, Writer, at least l0 times from this list. Why?
It isn’t as if I am at a loss of things to say. Is it because I fear that what I have to write isn’t interesting enough for you? Or is it by sharing this moment you would see me a weaker, weirder version, than I have shown you before?
As I awoke today, set my intentions of how I plan to show up for the world and serve, I still felt a bit fake. Instead of jumping “all in” and putting my spirit behind my words, I mentally kept one toe out of the water, going through the motions instead of fully surrendering.
So, the angst continued to plague me. It was relentless. Self doubt grew inside like a balloon. Instead of continuing to run, from whatever nonsense was building up inside me, I decided to turn around and embrace it. Part of me thought I was literally going to explode, leaving tattered remnants of myself all over the kitchen floor.
I crept into the office, sat in front of the computer and thought, “just write.” Get whatever is festering OUT.
Write about ANYTHING. Write about the tools you have discovered that help you show up as a better human being in this world (…Yeah, those same tools that you are not using right now, which is why you feel so disconnected).
Write about how you have been changing inside because you have been trusting yourself more and so desperately want others to discover how empowering that is. Write about how you want to help everyone but sometimes loose perspective and get overwhelmed with the HOW.
Staring at a blank screen, I decided to do some research, ie. stall. Bam! I stumble upon this video of Nick Vujicic; A man who encourages each of us to get out of our heads and live. To try. To fail… I know all of this. I spend my time teaching this.
Today, I needed to hear it again. I needed to hear it in his words; through his story. Nick was born without arms and legs. He struck me as encouraging and compassionate. He reminded me of where I needed to be. Present. Here in the now.
So, I write. With each word, I attempt open the door of possibilities. I allow the world to see me, in this moment. Open and exposed; willing to show each of you my vulnerability. Unsure but trusting myself to make the right choices when they present themselves.
I chose not to file this journal entry away, but to share it with you. Because, maybe today, you need to hear that you are BEAUTIFUL. You need to know that your self doubt doesn’t define you IF you don’t let it stop you from doing whatever it is you are meant to do. That I will love you through your weak moments and weirdness- even if you don’t love or understand mine. That the LEARNING is in the frustration and failure. Feeling humble. Feeling human. Acknowledging that self-doubt lives within us all and what sets us apart is what we do next.
May you go out into the world and try something new today.
Laugh hard. Love strong. Live to serve.
“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?” — Dr. Seuss
Jax, Ziva and I are howling Christmas songs while on our way to pick up Luke from school. We are waiting through a red light and Jax suddenly asked, “Did the Romans place Jesus on the cross, in the sunlight, so he could turn golden like he is on the cross at Grandad’s church?”
I mentally broke away from the shopping list I was preparing in my head and replied “No, Jaxi, the Romans didn’t intend to make him golden. But now that you mention it… because of their choice, Jesus is golden to us.”
His 4 year old face was washed with concern and after a long pause he finally said, “ Well I wish Daddy was there so he could have fought those Romans with his sword and save Jesus!”
Ah, the innocence and wisdom of a 4 year old! How incredible is it that these little human beings look at the world and everyone in it as having the purist of intentions (making jesus golden like the sun) or to protect those that they love. Jax, feeling that his daddy was powerful enough to fight off Roman Soldiers as one man, and save Jesus.
I was amazed, again learning more from him than I could ever teach. I was also humbled. We are so Mighty to them. In their world we manifest food, home, all of their needs and most of their wants. Many of those wants are so simple. Our time; the opportunity to look us in the eyes when they are discussing the dynamics of how they think Santa squeezes down the chimney; the freedom to be themselves and not the reflection of what we hope others will see them to be; compassion, hoping as parents, we remember how frustrating it was to learn how to tie our shoe or how painful it is to have an ear ache.
My moment with Jax reminded me that kids think their parents are Super-Heroes and that our mission is to champion FOR them and not fight at them or against them.
My wish for you this New Year is to be in the Present and enjoy everyone around you. Be the Super-hero your kids believe you are and Choose Happiness.
Laugh Hard. Love Strong. Live to Serve.
As I run around the dinner table, cleaning, serving… anything other than eating, I wonder why my kids aren’t sitting still to eat their dinner…. Duh, why would they if I’m not?
Tonight, Luke had an especially hard time transitioning to bed. He said, “I am so unhappy Mommy. You never let me DO anything!” He dove his head into the pillow, bursting into tears.
Wow. I dropped everything to sit on the edge of his bed. “Lets talk, okay?” Luke’s bleary-eyed face slid out from under the pillow, “Okay.”
“Listen,” I said, “I believe the Universe gives us energy. We get to CHOOSE what we do with it. So, that means we have a choice to be happy or sad.”
“But being happy is SO hard!” Luke whined. I thought to myself, he can’t be serious?! He’s a 5-year-old kid who has almost everything he has ever asked for (…hey we don’t have room for a pony, sue me.)
We sat in his room and practiced being happy. Smiling like crazed lunatics on a Skittles high.
Finally ready to rest his head on the pillow, we said our blessings and told God that we chose to use the energy provided to us for happiness.
What a HUGE concept for an adult let alone a 5-year-old boy!
So I ask you, Do you think that happiness is a choice? Or is it dictated by the external influences of your day? Do you think “happiness” something you can teach?
Laugh hard. Love strong. Live to serve.